Guess who finally finished the semester?! Not me. Because work never ends for an architect. I still have the final critique for design (and while the work is done, your conscious and subconscious mind cannot rest until it is, indeed, finally over. And of course there is the Beast called Urban Design. 32 hectares of land that needs planning and I haven’t even looked at it. Yikes. But no fear, I will get the urge to work the moment panic sets it.
However, I HAVE finished all my final exams, which is definitely cause for celebration (by devouring a mountain of greasy fast food and snacks. Don’t judge me).
The problem is, I’m not sure what to do right now. You see, there’s this phenomenon, when you’re in the middle of the semester with a list of things that need to be studied, written, designed, and so on, suddenly everything magnifies in fascination. I literally spent a whole night binging on the first season of Breaking Bad, something I would normally never do. But I had to work on my design project, and suddenly the show was entrancing to the point where I would stay up until 5 am, just to fell less guilty when I went to sleep without having done anything (there is a logic there, I assure you, I just can’t remember how it works right now).
But now, I’m not particularly invested in anything. There’s a couple of movies and shows on my hard disk, but they don’t seem that interesting at the moment. I didn’t even get enough sleep last night but I don’t feel like sleeping, when I would normally collapse on my bed, fully clothed, and ignore everything around me.
I also feel confused, because the residue of my exam-time mentality is making me feel guilty for not studying, even though there is nothing left to study.
Pretty soon, I’ll be in couch potato mode with nothing to do except quantify my horror at the passing hours doing absolutely nothing except aimlessly opening and closing my facebook page (akin to opening a fridge every ten minutes though you know there’s not going to be anything new there).
I realize that one of my greatest flaws is that, without a deadline or a task with a definitive time period, I suck at life. I don’t know what to do. I feel like, at some point when I was young, I may have had it figured out. But it seems that I’ve forgotten this talent during my time at university. Hasn’t there been a poet or someone who spoke of the downfall of university, making us ill-equipped for real life? All I know how to do now is architect, and I don’t think I’m very good at it yet.
I’m currently passing my time by staring at a large mound of papers, notebooks and sketches that need to be organized and stored away. Which is why I’m blogging instead. I forgot all the websites I generally waste time on, because now I don’t have time to waste but rather time to fill.
A more daunting speculation is, how will I feel once I graduate, and there’s nothing left to study? Without the structure offered to me by a rigid schedule of classes, midterms, classes, presentations and then exams, I’m afraid I will descend into madness. What the hell am I supposed to do then, organize my life by myself?